It’s Anna’s 19th birthday today. Across this platform, I’ve shared her birth story, her preschool birthday, her teenage years, and her moving into adulthood. I had a thought this morning: I wondered if her 18th post would/should be my last. However, since I will always be her mother and the boss of this space (not to mention the fact that images of my busy first baby keep flashing in my mind today), I’m going to do it anyway.
We’re celebrating later than usual, not even on the day. Now that she’s in college, traveling all over the countryside and enjoying her freedom as a baby adult, we’ll have the typical cinnamon rolls and cupcakes another day.
That’s a first.
As the first kid not celebrating a birthday on the day with us, I am taking the first step as a mom of many kids, all of whom want to live big lives in the world and fighting the urge not to mourn the “celebrate on the day” feeling. IwillnotbethatmomIwillnotbethatmom.
Instead, I’m celebrating this fiercely independent girl with a lot of life in front of her. As a little kid, Anna demonstrated this independence with a phrase we still say from time to time, “I’ll do it all by MYYYYYYYYYself.” Whether it was running down the scary front steps of our remodeled farmhouse (which we have thankfully replaced because of her skinned knees and hillbilly handrail that I despised), driving the 4-wheeler as an early elementary student, or promising us that the roads weren’t slick so she could surely make it to her friend’s house without issue (ask about that one and a still bent stop sign), Anna has determination and independence only rivaled by those who share her genetics.
As our first kid, we proceeded with a lot of caution. We contemplated a lot of decisions. She was the first to blaze a lot of trails. We allowed her to be her, pushing her only into things that we knew she would enjoy and potentially excel. I’ll just remind you about her pros/cons list to join the track team in sixth grade and then take a look at every discus record at our school, then ask who had her make that list! When she was making her college decision, her determination never waivered, working hard to figure out how to find her place, her home. For the first time, her dad and I, even though we had ideas, let her forge that path without giving unsolicited advice. While I worried from time to time that she should go here or there or follow another interest, we knew that her determination and sense of self would guide her to the right place.
We have been so right in trusting that instinct.
And I think that’s why today, even though she’s working cattle at the Kentucky Beef Expo instead of sitting at my kitchen counter eating cinnamon rolls in her pajamas, I’m okay with it.
A first step for someone has to be a last for someone else.
Her first step into paving her way is my last as the one who instructs her to write a pros and cons list. That’s kind of sad to write, but to those who are still parenting little people who need extensive guidance, hear me: it’s a freeing feeling. This adult relationship with your kid where you might not always be the first one to go to, and maybe the last before she ultimately makes her own decision is another pin in the parenting map we’re forging with our first girl.
Dear Anna,
I do wish you were here today, but I also know that you’re right where you are supposed to be. I’m so happy that you have found your way, your people, your passion. I have enjoyed watching you figure it out, all the firsts and into some of the lasts. Thanks for always being you.
That said, be kind to your old mom and dad when we get wistful on days like today. Your dad and I have this picture in our minds. Mine is when I first held you: you had fingernails (how was I not scratched?) and a perfect head of black hair. You were pink and chubby and going to be in my care, so I better not screw this up. Your dad’s favorite memories include you working alongside him, sometimes not-so-gently instructing him what to do, but always his sidekick. We still see you in those pictures as we watch you grow into the woman who we also saw those years ago in that determined little girl.
Anna Grace, we love you and love you and love you. You are meant for big things but don’t worry if some of your firsts are hard and tricky. Life is going to be a series of firsts and lasts, some quicker than others, some harder than most. Just keep your head high and know that no matter what, no matter where you are, we are here, ready to guide you if you need it.
Happy birthday, my dearest girl.
Love,
Mom