This is a tough one, friends.
Anna is 17 today. 17 seems like a big one. Though not considered a true “milestone,” maybe that’s why it’s a little rough. Last year, we celebrated the freedom that comes with another driver. Next year, we’ll be wrapping up high school, prepping for college, adulthood, another set of freedom.
But this year? This year feels different.
As I was running this morning, as I do every day on her birthday (and basically all my kids’ birthdays, because if you’ve birthed a child and have run a marathon, they’re quite similar in pain, so why not celebrate it?), I figured out why it all felt so strange, and it’s 100% me, and not her.
To know Anna is to love her. She is kind. She is smart. She is fun. She’s funny. She is talented. She’s independent and driven. She is competitive without being a jerk about it. She is strong in her faith and not afraid to share it. She has a bright future and is laying a great foundation, weighing options, and will have so much to look forward to next year.
See? She’s a good kid.
What makes today hard is that mothering her, and all of our kids, is something that I feel like I’m good at. That being stated, I’m not saying that I am the most perfect mother in the entire world. I’m just saying that for my kids, the Webel kids, our kids, God made me the best mother for them. Having Anna, quitting my job, figuring out how to mother the subsequent children has been the best, most rewarding experience that I had zero control over.
You see, mothering is all love and the rest luck. With that love and luck, there’s no room for control….which is completely out of character for me, as I am the ultimate control freak. While my kids may argue that I like to control their schedule, their room cleanliness (which, as evidenced by a quick sweep of my house today, is failing miserably), and their food choices, I learned from a really early stage of my mothering career that I cannot control their little personalities, their likes, their dislikes, who they really are inside. We have tried to craft guardrails and raised them with values that will help guide them to be kind human beings, but the rest? That’s just how they came to us.
And that’s what makes mothering so rewarding to me. The personalities of these tiny humans who are now blossoming and making big decisions are not ones that I can control at all. I get to do the best thing: sit back and watch in wonder.
So what is weird about today is my reaction to that lack of control. In all other aspects of my life, I would be a mess. Today though, I realized that sitting back and watching in pride and wonder and amazement has been such a gift, and with these these 17 years of mothering children, I have had the best time and the best job raising the best humans with the best partner. I’m good at being a mom to these Webel kids. I guess what makes me sad about this realization is that this is something I rarely say to myself. Out loud. Sure, I’m a confident human being on the outside and love accolades and “likes” and achievements just like the rest of you, but on the inside, there’s always a little voice that says, “not enough.” So I keep on striving.
With mothering though, it has been different. For the past 17 years, I have learned to quiet that voice and lean into the person God created me to be without apology for the people we created.
Anna started that with being our first kid, and now she’s almost a grown up herself.
Side note: I was 27 when I had her. That’s only 10 years older than she is today. Yikes.
So excuse me as I cry in my salad at lunch. #sorrynosorry for being teary as I celebrate my almost adult kid. This kid is the start of the string of kids who are the best result of a career that I am truly proud of. One that has taken a good partner in Joe, patience, love, and a lot of luck.
Dear Anna,
While you unwrapped those hideous “Boston” Birkenstocks today (why did I buy those for you?? Oh yes…see above regarding your own personality.), I realized that today, March 2, is a day I celebrate as one that started a life that I never could have dreamed of having. Being a mom alongside your dad has been the best career with the most rewarding perks beyond what I expected. Sure, there are times that we are hard on you, expect more of you, push you, but it’s because we know you. We know that you are amazing and have potential beyond what you’re even thinking because we have watched it unfold from the beginning.
Anna Grace, we have cheered you on since the first night you slept in your crib all night, to those first steps, first day of preschool, first bus ride, first basket, first whatever, and we will continue to cheer you on. You know that you have big plans to work toward, but also know that even though my “mothering” you career is changing, I will love you just as much and with just as much wonder as I did the first time I held you.
We love you, and we are proud of you. For 17 years and always.
Love,
Mom